Now, I know this topic might feel a bit uncomfortable for some of you, and maybe even “ruffle some feathers”. But if you do some real introspection, you might find it applies more than you’d like to admit.
We live in a world where many of us wear masks. And no, I’m not talking about the literal kind—we wear the emotional ones. The ones we put on to protect ourselves, to keep others comfortable, or to avoid uncomfortable conversations.
We bite our tongues, water down our words- not saying what we REALLY want to say, or even make decisions to do things we don’t really want to do or serve us. Why? To be “nice.” To avoid conflict. To make sure no one’s feelings get hurt. But here’s the hard truth: every time you hold back, every time you wear that mask, you’re living a lie. And so is the other person.
FACTS: When we’re not being real with each other, there’s no genuine relationship. It’s just two people pretending, trying to protect themselves from discomfort.
I’ve seen this in my own life—countless times. Friends who hold back what they really want to say, afraid the other person can’t handle it. Or they’re worried they’ll hurt someone’s feelings, which is more about managing their own discomfort than anything else.
Guess what? That discomfort is where the truth lives.
The Discomfort of Being Real
We’ve all been there—feeling that urge to say something or the pull to make a decision that feels true to you, but instead, you hold back. You silence your voice or push aside your instincts because it’s easier to keep the peace, to be “nice,” right? Wrong.
Here’s why: when you suppress your true voice or desires, you’re not just lying to the other person—you’re lying to yourself. And when they respond to the half-truth you’ve given, they’re lying too. It creates a cycle where no one is being authentic, and neither person is actually heard.
I’ve been in conversations where I could tell the other person wasn’t speaking their truth. They danced around the real issue afraid of how I might react, sugarcoating everything.
But I could see right through it. Avoiding the hard stuff might feel like the safer option in the moment, but over time, it erodes trust. Deep down, both parties know they’re not being real.
The Masks We Wear for Validation
I’ve also seen people completely shift their demeanor depending on who they’re around. It’s like they morph into a version of themselves they think will be accepted. This isn’t just about people-pleasing—it’s rooted in unmet childhood needs. When we didn’t get the validation or love we craved as kids, we learned to adapt, to fit in, to seek approval any way we could.
There’s actually research on this. Studies have shown how unmet emotional needs during childhood can lead to people-pleasing behaviors in adulthood as a way of compensating for the lack of validation and love early on.
But as adults, this mask-wearing prevents us from forming real, meaningful connections.
I once had a friend who changed her entire personality depending on the group she was with. She would laugh at jokes she didn’t find funny, agree with opinions she didn’t believe in, and silence her own voice. She did this to fit in, to be liked. But I could see it was draining her. She wasn’t being herself.
The Fear of Others’ Emotions (And Why Managing Them Isn’t Your Job)
One of the biggest reasons we hold back is the fear of hurting someone else’s feelings. We worry they won’t be able to handle the truth. But here’s the reality: that’s their problem, not yours.
It’s not your job to manage someone else’s emotions. Your job is to speak your truth—with respect and kindness—but without diluting it. And honestly, if they can’t handle what you have to say, their lack of emotional regulation is not your responsibility.
You might feel like you are being “selfish” for not taking on this responsibility but the things is, in these situations, the other party may actually be the one being selfish.
They expect you to make decisions that keep them happy, placing the burden of their emotional well-being on your shoulders. But happiness comes from within, and if they’re relying on you to create it for them, that’s not your responsibility to carry.
If they’re struggling with the fact that happiness comes from within, they should work on themselves. Harsh? Maybe. True? Absolutely.
Don’t Be Nice. Be Kind. Be Respected.
Too often, we equate being nice with being a good person. But being “nice” can sometimes mean bending over backward, avoiding conflict, and ultimately sacrificing our own truth. It’s time we stop confusing kindness with self-betrayal.
Being nice is about making everyone else comfortable, even at the expense of your own feelings or truth. It’s about smoothing things over, avoiding conflict, and sometimes lying to keep the peace.
Being kind, on the other hand, means being honest and open, but doing so with consideration and respect. Kindness comes from wanting the best for both parties, even if it means having a difficult conversation. It’s about being genuine, not agreeable.
The truth is, if you’re always being nice just to keep the peace or avoid rejection, you’re not being respected.
Real respect comes from being honest and genuine. It’s about saying what needs to be said, even when it’s uncomfortable. If the other person can’t handle that level of openness, they’re not respecting you—they’re simply comfortable with the mask you’re wearing.
Seeking respect means being willing to risk not being liked. It means understanding that not everyone will be able to handle your truth, and that’s okay. What matters is standing in your authenticity.
Respect is about being true to yourself, not just saying what others want to hear.
Embrace the Discomfort for True Connection
If we want real, deep, meaningful relationships, we have to be willing to embrace the discomfort. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary.
By being open and honest, by saying what we mean and meaning what we say, we invite others to do the same. We create space for authenticity, for real connection. Imagine how freeing it would be to take off your mask and know the other person is doing the same. No more guessing games, no more dancing around the truth. Just real, genuine connection.
Overcoming the Mask: A Habit of Authenticity
Over time, I’ve made it a habit to put everything on the table with tact, to speak my mind, and to show up as my true self. It’s completely natural for me now. I’ve realized that honesty, even when uncomfortable, leads to deeper and more meaningful relationships.
If you’re ready to overcome wearing the mask and stop lying to everyone—yourself included—start small. Acknowledge where you hold back, recognize when you’re trying to keep things “nice,” and let go of the need for approval.
Here’s how you can start:
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- Acknowledge the mask: Recognize where in your life you’re holding back or changing yourself to fit in.
- Embrace discomfort: Understand that being real is uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for genuine connection.
- Speak your truth: Start having honest conversations, even if they’re hard.
- Let go of the need for approval: Remember, it’s not your job to manage other people’s emotions. Your job is to be real.
- Seek respect, not being liked: If someone can’t handle your honesty, that’s a reflection of where the relationship truly stands. Don’t aim to be liked—aim to be respected.
It’s time to take off the mask, be yourself, and watch how your relationships—and your life—change for the better.
Living Lioness is about becoming the best version of yourself—living a full, free, and powerful life in your 40s and beyond. As I guide you through these principles, I encourage you to live authentically and unapologetically, embodying health, vitality, and confidence at every stage.